The Complete Adventures of Inspector Gandalf
by Tom Bombadilo
Summary: Gandalf has a secret job...
1. Blown Away!

**The Complete Adventures Of:**

**Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, Inspector Gandalf**

_James Norrington and Saraman_

You may not know this, but Gandalf is Inspector Gadget in disguise. He tries to hide it, but it is very difficult for him sometimes. In the _Lord of the Rings_, his cover was blown several times.

**Blown Away!**

_James Norrington and Saraman_

One day, Inspector Gandalf was sitting on top of the wall in Minas Tirith, thinking. He decided to spy on the Witch King.

He sent his ear to Osgiliath attached to a long tube, which was attached to his head. He was listening intently when he heard the Pig Orc leader talking to the Witch King.

"What of the Wizard?" asked the Pig Orc.

"I will break him," answered the Nazgul.

"Not if I break you first!" Inspector Gadget said to himself. His ear flew back to his head. The guards on the wall were highly amused and went to report to Denethor about the freaky things Gandalf was up to.

"Go go Gadget helicopter!" said Inspector Gadget. His head opened up and out popped helicopter blades. He flew off the wall and over the plains until he got to Osgiliath. He snuck up behind the Witch King who was feeding the Chicken Orc to the Fell Beast that he was sitting on.

"Go go Gadget butt!"said Gandalf. The Witch King turned around because he heard Inspector Gandalf speak. Immediately, open flames erupted right into the Witch King's face and the force of the explosion blew him away. The Pig Orc, still occupied with eating the rest of the Chicken Orc and completely unaware of what was going on, suddenly smelt a ghastly smell eminating from behind him.

"Well, THAT will definitely kill the wizard," said the Pig Orc.

"Go go Gadget Helicopter," said Inspecter Gadget and he flew back to Minas Tirith. The Pig Orc continued to stuff his face, not realizing that he was alone.

Denethor watched, wide-eyed, as Gandalf flew over the wall. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He had thought his guards were losing their minds. Terrified like the coward he was, he ran girlishly back inside the House of Stewards.

**Finis**


	2. Blub, Blub, Blub!

**Blub, Blub, Blub**

_Saraman_

Inspector Gandalf was strolling about in Minas Tirith, not doing anything in particular, just strolling and enjoying the view. He moseyed over to the fountain to have a looksy at his reflection.

_Ah, _he thought. _I look like an old man. I'm not old. Really. Perhaps I should shave my beard. It used to be grey. If only I wouldn't have had that stupid accident in the woods and dropped the entire rest of the bucket of bleach on my head. That was a mistake. Now I'll have snowy white hair forever! _He was so preoccupied looking at his reflection that he didn't even notice the tiny figure sneaking up behind him.

"Ahhhh!"said Gandalf as he fell face first into the fountain. "Blub, blub, blub." Pippin was most remorseful.

"I'm sorry, Gandalf," he said. "May I help you out?" Inspector Gandalf, unfortunately, was in no condition to be helped out.

"Go go Gadget raft!" screamed Gandalf. "Man the lifeboats, we're going down!" His raft blew out of his back and filled with air. But, as usual, it had a hole in it and Gandalf sank at once. "Ahhh! Oh no! Who let the sharks loose in the fountain? Ahhh! Back! Back! Take this! And that! And that!" Snap! Snap! Shink! Crunch!

"Yow! That's my rear!" Such was what Denethor heard coming from the courtyard as he sat in his palace eating a marvelous feast that had been set before him. Denethor was alarmed.

"Look to the window," he ordered a servant. "See what the commotion is." The servant walked to the window, and glancing out for but a moment, came sprinting swiftly back.

"My lord," he began. "The one they call Mithrandir, he is swimming in your fountain!"

"Yes," said Denethor drowsily. "What of it?" His eyes widened at the realization. "Swimming in my fountain? What manner of madness has come over him? Do continue."

"Yes, my lord," agreed the servant. "He is shouting and thrashing wildly about as if something was chasing him."

"Chasing him? I must see to this, at once." Denethor wiped his face with a napkin and rose out of his chair. He went to the door and ordered several guards to follow him. As Denethor entered the courtyard, he saw that what the servant had said was true. Denethor began to shout at Gandalf:

"Stay! Stay this madness, at once!" Inspector Gandalf continued to beat the water with his staff and splash and thrash manically about.

"Guards," said Denethor. "Remove Mithrandir from the fountain." The soldiers swiftly stepped forward. Laying hands on Gandalf, they roughly dragged him out.

"Get your jaws off me!" shouted Gandalf, resisting the guards fiercly. "Alright, that's it! Go go Gadget breath!" Inspector Gandalf breathed out a horrible, tremendously smelly breath. It was as if a shockwave had hit the guards and Denethor. They all were blown away, nearly all the way to the courtyard door.

"That should teach you to eat me!" said Gandalf, wringing out his soaked hat. With that, he turned and walked out of the courtyard. When Denethor and his guards finally came to themselves, they lethargically got up and went back into the throne room to recover. When Denethor finally felt like himself again, after some three hours, he spoke to his guards.

"Find Mithrandir and bring him to me, immediately!" he roared. The guards returned two hours later with black eyes and broken noses.

"Please send some other guards," said the chief guard. "I am finished with trying to capture the elusive Mithrandir. I am going to my house." With that he stormed out, the other guards following.

Meanwhile, Inspector Gandalf was searching for Pippin, who he knew had shoved him into the fountain in the first place.

"I'll get that little brat someday!" snarled Inspector Gandalf, his eyes gone crazy and his mouth foaming with rage. He ran for the House of Stewards. Pippin sat by Denethor, singing a pretty tune and not the least bit suspecting what was about to happen. Suddenly, Pippin heard a familiar voice shout: "Go go Gadget breath!" A frightfully horrid stink wafted towards Denethor and Pippin, who immediately jumped up and ran for cover. They obviously did not run fast enough. The stench caught them only a few paces from the thone and wreathed itself about them. Denethor and Pippin sprinted from the room, waving their arms frantically about and gagging and hacking. Inspector Gandalf stood by, quite pleased that he had had his revenge against Pippin, who learned his lesson never to play any more tricks on Gandalf. Inspector Gandalf was not in his right mind until well into the next day.

**The End**


	3. Bums of Gondor

**Bums of Gondor**

_Saraman_

The mighty Orc army had the city of Minas Tirith surrounded. A great battering ram had been set up outside the gate and monstrous trolls drew it back and let it go with a crash and smash into the yielding gates. A small army of Gondorian soldiers stood fearfully before the gate, watching it take stroke after stroke, knowing no gate could stand it forever.

Gandalf rode near them on Shadowfax. He rallied the men to fight and to not give in to fear. But at the gate it was a different matter, apparently, for Inspector Gandalf must have been a tich confused when he gave the order:

"You are bums of Gondor. No matter what comes through that gate you will not stand your ground!" All at once, the front end of the battering ram broke through the gate and another mighty blow splintered it. The soldiers stared intently at the gate to see what might come through. The Orcs obviously had a jest in mind, for they sent in an army of trained ants carrying, what appeared to be, little toothpicks. The ants snarled in ant language, so quietly they could barely hear them, and charged at the soldiers. "EEEYAAAAHHHHHH!" the soldiers shrieked and sprinted away as swiftly as their legs would carry them. The Orcs outside were clearly quite surprised about the retreat and grunted quietly to each other for a moment until they sent in the next army. An army of pigs, led by the Pig Orc leader!

"Quiet," ordered the Pig Orc. "We will break upon them secretly. The men are cowards, they will run." The pigs simply squealed and snorted in response. "Quiet, I said," grunted the Pig Orc. "Let us be off." He led the pigs down an alley of the city, past the long-silent fountain and after the fleeing soldiers. They could see them up ahead, the ants in hot pursuit. That is until Inspector Gandalf turned around on Shadowfax and saw what was going on.

"Shadowfax, show me the meaning of the word "squash". Forward!" He urged Shadowfax to halt and turned the horse about. "Ahhhhhhh!" shouted Gandalf as his horse ran over the ant army.

"Eeeeheeeeheeee!" shrieked the ants as they were squished. Soon all the ants were squashed and Gandalf turned and saw the pigs.

"Aha!" said Gandalf. "Thought you could sneak up behind Inspector Gandalf, did you? We'll see about that!" He charged forward on Shadowfax, toward the pigs. When he was within a few paces of them, he raised his staff above his head and brought it down with a splintering crack on the Pig Orc's skull.

"Yow!" yelled the Pig Orc as he fell to his knees and then fainted. Gandalf sensed movement behind him and turned to see the Gondorian soldiers, watching with extreme admiration.

"You've defeated the entire army single-handedly, Mithrandir,"****said one.

"Hardly, my fellow bum," said Inspector Gandalf. "I have only to dispel these pigs." He turned back to the cowering****swine. "As for the rest of you, begone or I'll thwack you with my cane! I mean staff. I don't really use it as a cane, just so you know. I'm not that old. Only about fifty thousand years, that's all." The pigs couldn't understand the common speech, so Gandalf had to make his point by raising his staff above his head. The pigs didn't need any more prodding. They were off with a bound, sprinting with amazing speed back towards the gates. The soldiers cheered Gandalf and retreated back to the second level before the Orcs could send in the soldier's worst nightmare: ducks!

_Note: Gandalf believed the soldiers to be bums because of the fact that earlier that day, he had been involved in an unfortunate accident involving falling headfirst into a fountain. He short-circuited some of his computer chips, causing him to malfunction somewhat for the rest of that day. By the end of the day, however, he was quite back to normal, except for the fact that he still called that particular group of soldiers, bums. _


	4. Don't Eat the Moth!

**Don't Eat the Moth!**

_Saraman_

Gandalf was at the battle of the Black Gate fighting when he saw his 'Go go Gadget moth' flying down to give him a message. Gandalf was about to say "Thank you, my friend," when the moth flew into his mouth and he accidentally swallowed it. Gandalf began to choke. He couldn't say a word. The eagle Gwahir, who was above him, saw Inspector Gandalf eat the moth and was very angry that he had eaten his best friend.

"Hmmm," thought the eagle. "I suppose I will not fight the Nazgul to defend him after what he just did!" So Gwahir did not join the other eagles in fighting the Nazgul and simply flew high above his comrades to watch the outcome of the battle. A great Fell Beast with a Wraith riding atop his back swooped down upon Gandalf, and with an ear-piercing shriek, siezed Inspector Gandalf in his talons and bore him away.

"Hey you," shouted Gandalf. "Put me down! Put me down this instant! This instant I say!" The Nazgul and Fell Beast paid no attention to his order. Instead, the Fell Beast flew as fast as its wings could carry it, straight to Mount Doom. It was then that Gandalf noticed something. With each foul beat of its wings, the Fell Beast was rising up higher and higher towards the top of the mountain. Gandalf coughed up the moth and since it was mechanical, it was alive and kicking (Or flapping). Gandalf gave the moth another order.

"Find Gwahir. Find Gwahir. Go!" The moth flew away as fast as its little wings could carry it, back to the Black Gate.

"Uh oh," said Gandalf as he realised where they were. He was staring down inside the very volcano of Mount Doom.

"Oooh," said Gandalf. "This cannot be good." The Fell Beast's claws released him. Down Inspector Gandalf plummeted, into the volcano's crater. He fell down farther and farther. He was beginning to feel the searing heat now.

"Ahhhhhh!" said Gandalf. He was thinking that he should use one of his Go go Gadget machines, but he just couldn't remember which one he should use. "Go go Gadget phone!" he said. He heard a dial tone.

:I'm sorry. Your call cannot go through. If you need help, please hang up and dial your operator.:

"Whoops," said Gandalf. "Wrong one." He could now see the lava hundreds of feet below him. He was falling faster and faster, his body picking up more speed every second.

"Go go Gadget butt!" said Gandalf. That was a mistake. As you may well guess, the inside of a volcano is not a wise place to fart. A tremendous explosion rocked the volcano, shaking the entire mountain. Legolas could see it from a distance.

"What was that?" he asked quizzically. "Where did Gandalf go?" Gandalf was not doing too well. In fact, his hair was singed and his face was black with smoke. His clothes had burnt off, leaving him in his underwear. He coughed out smoke and sputtered,

"That was obviously the wrong one!" He had to think a moment.

_"Which one should I use to get out of here?" _Forty feet between him and the lava. Twenty.

"Oh, I've got it!" exclaimed Inspector Gandalf. "Go go Gadget Helicopter!" His head opened up and out popped helicopter blades. He stopped falling less than one-half of an inch from the lava.

"Whew!" sighed Gandalf. "That was a close one." He put his helicopter on turbo speed and he was flying out of the volcano as quickly as he'd come. Once he was out of the crater, he flew back to the Black Gates to continue fighting. He landed in front of the army soiled and burnt, but all in one piece. Both armies stared curiously at him for at least a full minute before someone in the ranks began laughing. It was Aragorn. Gandalf was indignant.

"Have you any idea what I've just been through?" But that only made it worse. Soon, the entire army was laughing, including the Orc army and the eagles. The Orcs thought that he looked so stupid they turned around and marched, laughing hysterically, back through the gates. Inspector Gandalf had saved the day! It was, in fact, a Middle-earth rendition of 'The Emperor's New Clothes'!

**Finis**


	5. EEEEYAAAHHHHH!

**EEEEYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!**

_Saraman_

When the Fellowship was in the Mines of Moria and the Balrog was after them, Inspector Gandalf risked his life to defend everyone. He stood in the middle of the bridgethat spanned the chasm seperating the Balrog from the Fellowship who were escaping to safety.

"You shall not pass!" said Inspector Gandalf, feeling brave at that moment. The Balrog released a fierybreath. Realising that the creature could melt him, Gandalf's sense of bravery shattered into a billion pieces.

"You can pass if you want to," cowered Gandalf. "Just please don't eat me." He then turned and shouted to the rest of the Fellowship, who were waiting eagerly for their next command.

"Fly, you fools!" said Gandalf. Suddenly, the Balrog leapt full upon the bridge which fractured right in the middle, at Inspector Gandalf's feet.

"Ahhhhhhh!" said Gandalf as he and the Balrog toppled off the bridge. "I can't fly, you fools!" He thought a moment. _Oh, yes I can! _

"Go go Gadget helicopter!" The chopper blades whirred to life.

"Ah, safe," said Inspector Gandalf. The helicopter suddenly in one horrible, sputtering, coughing, motion, ceased to twirl.

"Whoops," said Gandalf as he began to fall. "I forgot that I used up all my fuel spying on Frodo a week ago. I think I'll fall now." And fall he did. Farther and farther. Deeper into the depths of the earth.

"Arghh! What will I do now?" he thought out loud. (He would always think out loud) "I know! Go go Gadget parachute!" Out of his back popped a bright green parachute. (He was always prepared for any emergency) His descent to the ground became slower and slower. Suddenly, "Drat! There would be a hole in it!" said Gandalf. "EEEEYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He could now see the Balrog far below falling somewhat faster than he was.

"I yi yi yi yi!" said Gandalf. He was falling so fast, it seemed he would burst.

"I know," said Inspector Gandalf. "If I hit the ground in alot of pieces, at least some of me will probably survive. Go go Gadget Self-Destruct!" His body broke up into some fifty different pieces which all began falling to the earth. His head could now see the ground. It apeared to be some sort of swamp, at least, the ground looked unstable. The Balrog had already hit the swamp with a mighty splash and looked like it was about to get up. Suddenly, out of nowhere, meteor-like pieces began hitting the swamp all around the Balrog. Inspector Gandalf's head looked down.

"Uh oh, I'm headed for the Balrog!" Within a few seconds, his head thwacked the Balrog in the neck, just behind the horns.

"EEEYAAHH!" shrieked Gandalf. "Ouch! Oooo! Yow!" The Balrog was knocked out. Gandalf's head hit the swamp and sank in.

"Eww, yuck!" said Gandalf as the muck covered his face. "Nasty! Disgusting! Vile!" He kept yelling expletives until his head was completely submerged in the slime.

_Uh oh, _thought Gandalf. _I better do something quick. _He began digging with his mouth to get out. When he finally reached the surface three hours later, he said, "Go go Gadgetself-construct!" He immediately saw his body parts digging themselves out and finally all emerging from the swamp.

"Ah," said Inspector Gandalf. "At last." His body parts began hopping towards him and all falling back into place. As soon as his body was completely back in one piece, his arms picked up his head and twisted it back on.

"Finally," said Inspector Gandalf. "I'm all back together again." He could barely see a thing.

"Go go Gadget flashlight!" A built-in flashlight fell out of his arm and he picked it up, turning it on. He wiped slime off his face and looked down at his clothes.

"Filthy! Simply filthy!" said Gandalf. "I must wash somewhere, and fast!" He examined the stains. "It will take alot of bleach to get this out. Luckily, I happen to have some with me."

"Go go Gadget bleach!" Instantly, a bottle of Clorox popped out of his back and he picked it up.

"Ah," said Gandalf. "Perfect. Now to find some water to wash in." He glanced over at the Balrog. It was still blacked out. "Good," said Inspector Gandalf. "Now I won't have any trouble." He looked about him. Swamp as far as he could see. He looked to his left. The flashlight beam revealed a doorway in the wall of the cavern with steps leading up.

"Aha!" said Gandalf. "I will wager there is water up there." He turned to have one last look at the Balrog. It was still unconcious. Gandalf turned back and waded through the muck, making for the stairwell. At last, he reached it. He stared suspiciously at the steps climbing up into nowhere and absolute blackness and whatever else awaited him at the top.

"Well," sighed Inspector Gandalf. "Here goes nothing." He began to climb. And he climbed. And he climbed. He climbed until he thought he could climb no more and then he reached the top.

"At last," panted Gandalf. "Now for a rest." He laid down on the stone floor and took a little snooze. A nerve-jarring roar shook him awake.

"Oh no," rasped Inspector Gandalf. "That thing's after me!" He began to sprint. Shining the flashlight this way and that, nervously turning around to see if anyone or anything was following him, he darted down corridors, through hallways, and up stairwells. Just when he was sure that he had lost the monster, a terrible bellow shook the walls and great footsteps were felt pulsing through the corridor. Inspector Gandalf began to run again. Down to the edge of the hallway and around the corner, he spied a winding stairwell curving up. And up he climbed, crawling sometimes, throwing himself up steps the next. He stopped in a corner, panting and out of breath.

"I think I've lost him," sighed Inspector Gandalf. A low growl proved his suspicion wrong. Gandalf was up and running, scrambling up the steps, just trying to get away from the terrible creature, hot in pursuit of its prey. To Inspector Gandalf's utter astonishment, he had only gone a few steps when the stairwell opened up and he found himself on the top of what appeared to be a tower, its top high above the earth. Gandalf looked out at the night sky, all lit with stars. He breathed in a great breath of fresh air, a relief after being in a stuffy cave for several days. A gentle breeze blew past him. He had nearly forgotten all about his experience when a fierce roar shook the sky. Gandalf turned suddenly about just in time to see the large creature, the Balrog, come bounding out of the stairwell.

Its eyes red with rage, the flames that wreathed round its body flaring up, it leapt forward and bore down upon Gandalf. The only thing he could think to do, Inspector Gandalf shined the flashlight in the monster's eyes. The Balrog hesitated a moment, then continued its furious charge. Like a bolt of lightening, an idea hit Gandalf. The Balrog had nearly reached him. Gandalf stepped back a pace, to the edge. As the creature neared him, so close that Gandalf's beard was singed, the Balrog not slowing down nor thinking about stopping, Inspector Gandalf merely stepped to the right, out of the monster's way. With a ferocious snarl and roar, the Balrog plunged over the edge, dropping like a meteor. Its fall smote the mountainside with a mighty crash, shaking Inspector Gandalf so as he could scarely stand and had to support himself against an ancient pillar. When the shaking ceased, Inspector Gandalf crawled to the edge and looked down. The stars illuminated the gnarled form of the beast, broken over the rocks on its furious passage down. Gandalf breathed a sigh of relief, and crawled away from the edge. Using a pillar to brace himself, he wearily rose to his feet and realised something. _How am I supposed to get down from here?_ He thought for a moment, and then it came to him.

"Go go Gadget moth!" said Gandalf. "Find Gwahir, find Gwahir, go!" The mechanical moth fluttered quickly away to find the great eagle. Gandalf sat down to rest. _Now all I have to do is wait. _The next morning, he woke up to see the moth resting on his hand. He quickly looked up. The eagle stood a few paces away staring at him as if to say, "I've been waiting quite awhile for you to get up, so can we please get on with it and go?"Inspector Gandalf stood and approached the eagle.

"Thank you for coming," he said. "I would never have gotten away from here alive if you had not come." The eagle nodded his head in recognition and Gandalf climbed upon its back. Gwahir flew off the edge and down the mountain. Eachbeat of the great eagle's wings carried him nearer to the depths of the valley below.Inspector Gandalf could see a large forest beside a rushing river and realised they were near the woods of Loth-lorien.

"Land there, by the river," said Gandalf. The eagle obeyed and flew lower and lower, until Gandalf could clearly see the ground. Then, Gwahir landed and Inspector Gandalf climbed off. Thanking the great eagle, Gandalf watched the bird soaraway, leaving Gandalf alone, once again. Inspector Gandalf turned towards the river.

"Here I shall wash my clothes." Once again, he got out his Clorox, and walked for the river. Removing his outer garment first, he began pouring the bleach on until his clothes were soaked. He then let it soak for a moment after which, he rinsed it off in the river. He did all his clothes in the same manner, and so doing, realised his garments were being bleached to the colour of a brilliant white. Gandalf decided he liked that very much, so much, in fact, that he began to sing:

"Mama keeps whites, white like the fresh snow. Mama has the magic of Clorox bleach." When his clothes were dry, he put them back on and strolled into the forest. So doing, Gandalf the Grey became Gandalf the White. As he walked through the woods, one last problem faced him: "I wonder where everybody went." (I know where they went, but I won't tell him)

**The End **


	6. He He He!

**He He He!**

_Saraman_

After Inspector Gandalf, having made up with Gwahir for eating his moth, rescued Frodo from Mount Doom, the Hobbit slept for three full days before waking up. Inspector Gandalf was watching him as he slept, his gaze fixed on Frodo's missing finger. _How delightful!_ thought Gandalf. _He looks so funny with a finger gone. _

All at once, Frodo stirred, opened his eyes, and sat up.

"Gandalf?" he said, overjoyed that the wizard was alive. Inspector Gandalf, however, was still staring at Frodo's hand. Suddenly, he did something quite unappropriate. He started laughing.

"He he, hee hee, hoo hoo, ha!" At first, Frodo thought Gandalf was laughing because he was happy to see him, so he started laughing along.

"He he he!" After a minute of laughing, however, Frodo noticed that Inspector Gandalf's eyes were fixed on his hand. He immediately stopped laughing.

"Are you laughing at my missing finger?" he asked indignantly.

"He he, yes," answered Gandalf. "He hee, it looks so funny. Ha har ha! Snort!" At that, Frodo was enraged. He immediately jumped at Gandalf and started punching him in the nose.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" shrieked Frodo, as he clobbered him. "For the Shire!"

Hearing the commotion, Merry and Pippin came running in. Seeing their cousin attacking Gandalf, they thought that the wizard must have done something to deserve it, so they jumped on Gandalf and started clobbering him too. Soon, Gimli and Legolas ran in and started attacking Gandalf. Last of all, Aragorn came and dog-piled them all.

"Can I get a little help here?" came Inspector Gandalf's muffled voice from under the pile.

**Finis**


	7. I Am Saruman

**I am Saruman**

_Saraman _

Gandalf had just appeared to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli in Fangorn Forest, and after neutralizing their weapons, he said: "You are tracking the footsteps of two young Hobbits."

"Where are they?" asked Aragorn harshly.

"They passed this way," continued Inspector Gandalf, "the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?"

"Who are you?" asked Aragorn. "Show yourself!" Inspector Gandalf came out of the light and revealed who he really was.

"Gandalf!" said Aragorn, wide-eyed.

"Forgive me," said Legolas, bowing. "I mistook you for Saruman."

"I am Saruman..." said Gandalf. That was an unfortunate thing to say, for at that moment, Gimli threw his axe, Legolas shot three arrows, and Aragorn hurled his sword...all at Gandalf!

"Uh," said Legolas. "Maybe we should have let him finish what he was going to say."

"Nonsense," said Gimli. "He said he was Saruman." They were quite startled when Inspector Gandalf, who now looked like a pin-cussion, got up and spoke.

"You could have let me finish my sentence! I meant to say, '...Saruman as he should have been.'" The others were so frightened, they turned tail and ran as fast as they could out of Fangorn, leaving Inspector Gandalf standing there alone. _I knew I shouldn't of said that line about 'I am Saruman', _he thought as he pulled the arrows and ax and sword out of his face.


	8. Smoosh! Splat! Squash!

**SMOOSH! SPLAT! SQUASH!**

_Saraman_

Inspector Gandalf had a mission: to escape from the evil Saruman who had imprisoned him on the top of the tower of Orthanc. One day, he talked to a mechanical moth.

"Find Gwahir, find Gwahir, go!" Then he said, "Go go Gadget moth!" The moth flew away to find the eagle, Gwahir.

The next day, Saruman came up to visit him.

"The friendship of Saruman is lightly thrown aside. Seven ill turns deserve another!" Saruman used his staff to throw Gandalf off the edge of the tower, but Gandalf did not fall, he floated in the air like a feather. "Ahh!" said Saruman. He flung Gandalf back onto the tower. "Do not embrace the power of the Ring, or do not embrace your own destruction!"

"Why are you speaking in contrapositives?" asked Gandalf. "There are only nine lords of the Ring. Only nine can bend it to their will. And they do not share power!" With that, Inspector Gandalf jumped off the tower aiming for Gwahir's back. But Gwahir was just too far away. Gandalf reached out to grab onto the eagle but all he got was one tail feather which he yanked out.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" said Inspector Gadget as he fell. And fell. And fell. And fell. And fell. Finally, **_SMOOSH!_** **_SPLAT! SQUASH!_** Gandalf landed, creating a crater at least four feet deep. He coughed dirt out of his mouth and crawled out of the hole. Inspector Gandalf looked up to see Saruman at the top of the tower snickering. But when Saruman saw Gandalf emerge from the hole, his jaw dropped and he rubbed his eyes as if he didn't quite believe what he was seeing. Inspector Gadget looked down and was dismayed to see that he was quite flatter than he used to be. He was now only four inches thick! The Orcs of Isengard stared at Gandalf for a moment before they went shrieking away as fast as they could. Then, a very humiliating thought dawned on Inspector Gandalf.

"I could have used my _Go go Gadget Helicopter_!" He smacked himself in the face and said,

"Go go Gadget helicopter!" He took off and flew away as fast as his twirly-bird would carry him, to Rivendell.

Note: Gandalf never told anyone what really happened. He told them that he _had_ landed on Gwahir who had flown him to safety.

**Finis**


	9. The Bad, Bulky, Beefy, Boastful, Bombast...

**The Bad, Bulky, Beefy, Boastful, Bombastic, Buxom, Green Bubble!**

_James Norrington & Saraman_

Gandalf and Bilbo were sitting up on a lofty hill overlooking Bag End. Bilbo pulled out a pipe and started smoking. Then Inspector Gandalf took out his pipe. Unfortunately, he accidentally brought out his dreaded bubble-blowing pipe that he often used in battle. Bilbo blew a large smoke ring and it drifted slowly down the hill, towards Bag End. Gandalf followed by blowing a large green bubble that went through Bilbo's smoke ring and shot down the hill at break-neck speed. Frodo was enjoying a casual stroll down the road leading to Bag End when suddenly he heard a whooshing sound, as of a cannon ball rushing for him. He looked quickly up, surprised, to see a humongous green bubble headed straight for him! He tried to jump out of the way, but it was too late. The bubble hit him with such force that it knocked him fifty feet back down the road and burst on him. Frodo jumped to his feet faster than a fly buzzing around Aragorn's putrid empty head. The smell was so bad, people in the West swore they could smell something, but they didn't know what it reminded them of. They kept blaming it on each other. Meanwhile, poor Mr. Frodo was sprinting down the road faster than a professional runner in the 90 yard dash. As he neared Sam's house, his gardener came running out to help him.

"Mr. Fr-!" But he could never finish what he was saying for he was mowed down at that second by Frodo who was running so fast, he couldn't stop in time. After Sam picked himself up, he realized the "horrible stench" was emanating from Frodo. But since Frodo had run him down, the scent was on him too! Sam was aghast! He shrieked and ran to Rivendell, where he promptly bumped into Elrond and passed the scent off to him. Elrond transmitted it to all the Elves, Erestor (who was visiting Rivendell) spread it among the Elves of Loth-lorien, who futilly endeavored to pour every bottle of perfume they could find at hand upon each other. Boromir was visiting Rivendell and returned to Gondor, spreading the scent throughout the land. After this, Galadriel gave it to Haldir, who went to Rohan to deliver a message and gave it to Theoden King. Theoden King gave it to Eomer and Eowyn who promptly gave it to everyone in Rohan and the lands surrounding it. Eomer gave it to Wormtongue. Wormtongue traveled to Isengard and gave it to Saruman. And lastly, but not least, Saruman gave it to Sauron over the palantir.

Oh! I forgot a few people. Sauron gave it to every orc in Mordor. (Actually, it was just a double dose. They already smelled putrid) He also gave it to the Black Riders.

Meanwhile, back at the Shire, Frodo spread it to everyone. That is, all except Gandalf. He flew away with his 'Go go Gadget Helicopter' to Rohan, where he thought he would be safe. But actually, as soon as he crept into the stable to abscond with Shadowfax, the horse already had it, so he gave it to Gandalf.

And that, my friend, was how everyone in Middle-earth became stinky. (That is, all except for Legolas because he's special)

**Finis **


	10. The Missing Head

**The Missing Head**

_James Norrington and Saraman_

Soon, Inspecter Gadget blew his cover again. He decided to go with Faramir and the Gondorian army to take back Osgilliath. The battle was not going well. Everyone retreated except for Gandalf, because he did not know what was going on and he was far ahead of everyone else, as usual. He ended up fighting the entire army alone. He killed many Orcs because he used his Go go Gadget machines. He farted the lines of the enemy away. That worked well until he ran out of juice. So he said:

"Go go Gadget spinning sword!" A blade flew out of his hand and started spinning out of control. Many Orcs tried to get him but the sword was going so fast it chopped them up. Finally, they snuck up behind him and fifty of them dog-piled him. Then, they stuffed a chopped off arm in his mouth so he couldn't say anymore. After that, the Pig Orc leader hurriedly chopped his head off.

The next day: The Orc army was besieging the city of Minas Tirith.

"Fear," said the Pig Orc leader. "The city is rank with it. Let us ease their pain. Release the prisoner!"

The Orcs flung Gandalf's head over the wall with a catapult. As the head flew over the wall, it said, "Go go Gadget body!" Inspector Gadget's body jumped up and ran towards the gate. The Orcs were so freaked out, they turned tail and ran. The Pig Orc leader was left standing there alone. "Where did my army go?"

The guards opened the gate and the body ran in. The head of Gandalf fell like an out of control meteor into the city. Denethor was taking a quiet afternoon stroll, when out of nowhere, something big smacked him in the face. Denethor looked down to see what it was. It was Gandalf's head. Denethor screamed like a girl and ran inside. One of Denethor's guards heard him scream and ran to his aid. He noticed something round with long, white hair lying on the ground. He thought it might be Denethor's white rabbit, Denethor Jr, who had been missing since yesterday. He picked it up and realised that it was a head. He was startled at first, but was even more startled when the head spoke.

"Hey, put me down!" The guard screamed and dropped the head.

"Ouch," said the head. "You needn't drop me." The guard shouted again and ran for safety. Turning around for one last look, he noticed the head was hopping away. He ran to tell Denethor all about it. The head hopped through the city, scaring everyone that he passed. He stopped for a moment and thought to himself.

"Why am I going to all this trouble, hopping through the city! Go go Gadget helicopter!" His head flew over the city and looked around trying to find his body. He finally spotted it on the first level, trying to grab other people's heads. He quickly flew down there. "I'm over here, ya stupid!" Gandalf yelled. "No, not over there! Over here!" The body finally found the right head. But the only problem was, he put it on backwards.

"I must go speak with Denethor," thought Inspector Gadget. He walked back through the city, up to the top level. But on the way, he managed to scare hundreds of people out of their wits. A little kid was sitting outside his home when he saw Gandalf walking towards him. He started crying, "Mommy, mommy, there's something strange about that man!" His mother turned around and screamed. Grabbing her child, she ran back inside.

"I wonder what is wrong," Gandalf thought to himself. When he finally came to Denethor's palace, he walked into the throne room and saw Denethor cowering behind his chair.

"Hail Denethor, son of Ecthelion, Lord and Steward of Gondor!" Denethor freaked out and started crying.

"Mommy!" He then fainted and fell on his face. Inspector Gandalf looked down and noticed that his own head was on backwards. He twisted his head around and went on with his day though he got funny stares from everyone he passed by in Minas Tirith for many years to come.

**Finis**


	11. The Return of Inspector Gandalf I

**The Return of Inspector Gandalf**

_James Norrington_

After the War of the Ring, Gandalf left with Frodo and the Elves into the West. A few days after living in the West, Inspector Gandalf wondered how Sam, Merry and Pippin where doing. So Inspector Gadget decided to send his ear over.

"Go go Gadget ear!" said Inspector Gandalf. His ear unattached itself from his head and flew over the ocean until it got to Middle Earth. The ear was followed by the long tube which was attached to Gandalf's head, to his ear. It reached the three hobbits.

"I'm kind of glad Gandalf is gone. He was always calling me 'Fool of a Took'. It got very annoying," he heard Pippin say.

"Yes, and I don't think he liked us very much, not as much as he liked Mr. Frodo," said Sam.

"And he was very grumpy." With that, Inspector Gandalf got very angry, so angry he decided to blow them away.

"Go go Gadget ear!" he yelled. His ear came flying back to his head.

"Go go Gadget heliocopter!" said Inspector Gadget. He flew away as fast as he could to the Shire. Inspector Gandalf looked everywhere to find the Hobbits. When he did he snuck up on them and said:

"Go go Gadget Turbo butt!"

The hobbits turned around to see who it was. **_"FFFFFFFFFFF!" _**Inspector Gandalf farted so bad that it blew Sam, Merry, Pippin and everyone in Middle Earth to the West.

"There, that should teach them a lesson _not_ to talk bad about me. _Phew_! That really stinks. Go go Gadget helicopter!" Gandalf then zoomed away back to the West.

**The End**


	12. The Return of Inspector Gandalf II

**The Return of Inspector Gandalf**

_Saraman_

A few years after the War of the Ring, Gandalf had to leave Middle-earth to go into the West. He took the ship with Celeborn, Galadriel, and Elrond along with Frodo and Bilbo. He was impatient to get there, so half-way through the voyage, he said, "Go go Gadget helicopter!" and he flew on ahead. The problem was, Inspector Gandalf didn't realise how far the journey was nor that he was low on fuel. So after about fifteen minutes, he started flying lower and lower and lower. Soon his feet were touching the ocean.

"Yikes! Cold! Uh oh!" shivered Gandalf. He plunged into the freezing cold water. "Ahhh!" shouted Gandalf. "Go go Gadget raft!" An inflatable raft popped out of his back and began to fill with air. "Ah, safe," said Inspector Gandalf. "Uh oh!" he said again, for the raft had sprung a leak.

"Go go Gadget patch!" Inspector Gadget taped the patch on. "Good. Now I'm safe." Famous last words. All at once, a giant wave came up and wiped out the raft.

"Ahhhhhh!" screamed Gandalf as he once again plunged into the ocean. Not able to think of anything else to do, he began to swim. Three hours later the ship was in sight.

"Ah, splendid," shivered Gandalf. "Now I'll be rescued." Inspector Gandalf began calling for help.

"Hey, over here! I'm over here!" No one heard him. "Uh oh!" said Gandalf. The ship was headed straight for him! He couldn't swim out of the way in time. The ship ran right over him. "Arghh!" sputtered Gandalf. He was able to grab a rope tied to the side of the ship and pull himself up.

"Well," said Galadriel. "Did you have a pleasant trip?" Gandalf said nothing. He went below deck to sulk.

The next day, the ship put in and everyone got off. Gandalf came out of his room. Celeborn showed him to his new home. A shack beside a smelly swamp! Gandalf asked him where he and the other Elves would be staying.

"Over there," Celeborn pointed. Gandalf looked where he was pointing and saw a beautiful white palace glittering in the sun.

"I yi yi yi yi!" said Inspector Gandalf. He was so shocked his jaw dropped. After Celeborn went to his palace, Gandalf grudgingly moved into his shack. It smelled so bad inside, he started to hack. After about a year, he was used to the smell.

Over the course of the year, he found there was not much to do but sit in the shack and smoke his _Go go Gadget pipe_. He was so bored, that one day he decided to see what was going on back in Middle-earth.

"Go go Gadget ear!" His ear flew over the sea for about an hour until it reached the home of Samwise Gamgee. Inspector Gadget's ear listened outside one of the windows until he heard voices.

"Do you miss Gandalf?" one asked. It was Merry.

"No," answered Pippin. "He would always call me 'Fool of a Took'."

"You're right," said Sam. "He never was very kind to me. Always grumpy. Mr. Frodo was his absolute favorite!"

Inspector Gandalf was shocked.

"I cannot believe my ear! This is terrible! I've got to teach them a lesson."

The next day, he stocked up on helicopter fuel for his journey. He walked out in his front yard (swamp) and said:

"Go go Gadget helicopter!" Away he flew, back over the ocean. His journey was quite easy the first few hours until he was attacked by a seagull.

"Go away! Shoo! Shoo!" said Gandalf. "Arghhh! Stop pecking me! Go pick on someone else!" His helicopter was going out of control by this time and a truly dreadful thing happened. A seagull feather got caught in the helicopter blade, wedging it so it could not function.

"Ahhhhhh!" shouted Gandalf as he plunged into the ocean, _again_.

A few days later, he crawled up onto shore soaking wet and exhausted, but triumphant.

"I made it! Now for those hobbits." He fixed his helicopter blades and said, "Go go Gadget helicopter!" Away he flew, towards Samwise's house. He landed right outside the door and knocked with his staff (cane).

A Hobbit opened the door. "Yes, who is it?"

"Go go Gadget butt!" cried Gandalf. Flames erupted through the door and a horrible, ghastly smell went with them.

"Ahhhhhh!" screamed the Hobbits. Inspector Gandalf entered the house to see the Hobbits, hair singed and soot covering their faces, lying flat on the floor.

"Meriodoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. I might have known. Samwise Gamgee? I never would have guessed."

The Hobbits stared apoligetically up at Gandalf. Merry turned to Pippin and whispered, "I knew we shouldn't have been talking bad about him behind his back. You can never get away with it. He's always eavesdropping!" With that, Inspector Gandalf walked, well pleased out of the house and began the flight back to his shack by the swamp. And then he ran out of gas!

**The End **


End file.
